NBC's Guinness World Records Show

Sunday night, in yet another sad reminder that the writers' strike is ongoing, NBC aired a Guinness Worlds Records Top 100 show, culminating in a disarmingly anticlimactic motorcycle ride through a "tunnel of fire". With images just as horrifying as the ones in the old book you would rifle through in the school library, the show featured clips of various random world records being broken - from the obvious World's Tallest and Smallest Man to the more obscure Most Bubbles Blown by a Man with a Tarantula in His Mouth. I have to admit that while I do have some basic human fascination with world records, I find myself more horrified by them than anything else. More often than not, they're either boring or gross or really just kinda sad. I can't even watch the screen when the longest finger and toenail people are up there. Nothing gets me quite like that.

Hosted by "UK sensation" Fearne Cotton (I guess she hosts "Top of the Pops" and is sort of a British Ryan Seacrest), the show would switch from 20 second segments showing each record, to "live" footage of Fearne in front of the tunnel of fire. She would occasionally be interviewing the motorcycle dude or members of his crew, who were getting increasingly concerned about how the drizzle and wind would affect the stunt. All of this seemed to be taking place on a studio set of a city street, complete with abandoned storefronts. In an even more bizarre twist, at one point Fearne went over to the five spectators watching from the taped-off sidewalk, and interviewed Alison Sweeney (Days of Our Lives star and current host of The Biggest Loser) and Justice from the new American Gladiators. They were asked to give the motorcycle guy some advice. I imagine this related to some sort of "appearance fulfillment" clause in their contracts, but I like to imagine that this pairing was wholly by choice: "Justice! It's the Sweene - what are you up to?" "Nada. Sewing up my jousting rod, major fabric tear. Why?" "I don't know. That tunnel of fire guy is gonna give it a go again - you in?" "You bring the Vanilla Chai?" "Justice will be served!" "I'm hanging up. I lost the thread."

Finally, when they reached the Number 1 record, it was time for the motorcycle guy to get ready. Which is another weird thing - the Top 100 seemed to be in actually no discernible order at all. It certainly wasn't in order of most challenging, or most bizarre, or even most exciting. The motorcycle ride was Number 1, for God's sake, while the Deepest Scuba Dive by Dog was stuck at 84! And the kid who kicked himself 70-something times in the head in 1 minute was like 20 positions ahead of the Most Bras Unhooked in 1 Minute! Where is the Justice? Anyway, it all ended with the sadly anticlimactic ride (which he made), and then a stilted interview with the dazed and lubed-up stunt dude, in which Fearne yanked the microphone away from him in mid-answer since the credits were about to roll and he took so long taking off his damn helmet. So sad. 2 hours of standing around with an American Gladiator for that? I'm sure that's what the son of a production assistant was saying.

BaeRating: C-

Tim Kurkjian's Book Cover

I love books. And often one of my favorite parts of any book is its cover design. My friend Trupe and I always discuss books that look so awesome and clean and full of greatness that we want to eat them. There is no greater compliment in the publishing world than releasing an edible book, at least in our eyes. I have often bought a book on its cover alone, staring the old adage in the face and punching it right in the jaw. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't, but taking home a fresh, crisp new book is a wonderful thing.

That being said, this book cover is pretty ridiculous, right? I mean, the title is kind of corny, but to me the cover is beyond nerdy. This is NOT an edible book. I recently bought this book as a gift for someone since I've always enjoyed the author's intelligent, unbiased work on ESPN, and the description made it sound like a good baseball read. (My plan was to attain it for myself if it received a solid peer review.) Also, since the author has a very bizarre frog-like voice, I've always wondered whether that has affected how I viewed his reporting. Here was a chance to imagine a new, less distracting voice delivering me the same thoughtful information and analysis! But Kurkjian, what were you thinking? Having a 3/4 body picture of yourself, in a suit, with a baseball mitt? Superimposed over a much smaller stadium, giving the feeling that a giant Tim Kurkjian is taking a break from a post-production meeting to just have a catch? Just shagging some balls in the miniature outfield with some analyst buddies without unfastening a button or loosening your tie? That does not conjure images of what a great game this is - in fact, this decidedly does not look like a great game. This looks like a really lame, sad game if all of the players are wearing suits and grinning like idiots. And so many words!!! The title itself is a rhetorical question with two forms of punctuation, there is a subtitle with a dash that really makes it two subtitles, and even the author's name has a qualifier in a red box! Barf.

I did get a really good review of the book, though, and I'm already borrowing it. So I'm not entirely superficial.

BaeRating: D

Little Caesars Pizza Kit Fundraising Program

As a part-time middle school baseball coach, I often receive various fundraising pamphlets in my mailbox for things like the M&M packets you see kids selling from time to time. Today I received an exciting new one for the Little Caesars Pizza Kit, proclaiming it a "Great Springtime Fundraiser" that includes "all the ingredients to make wholesome and delicious pizza at home in less than 10 minutes!" This seems strange to me. First of all, Little Caesars has perplexed me for years. They used to have restaurants everywhere, "Pizza Pizza" was a classic slogan, and then they seemed to stop advertising altogether, and all of the stores near me closed up. Yet I will still see an occasional one nestled in the corner of a strip mall, an abandoned outpost long since forgotten by the greater Little Caesars community and now left to fend for itself by offering completely ridiculous deals like "Free 5th Ingredient!" or "60% off Crazy Bread!" I'm sure that they are more prevalent in other parts of the world, but all of the ones remaining in Chicago are rundown and disgusting.

That being said, selling pizza kits as a fundraiser is bizarre in and of itself, right? Checking out their website pizzakit.com, I find that you would be selling a 3-pack of frozen sausage pizzas for 18 bucks. You get 3 crusts, 3 packets of sauce, 3 packets of cheese, and 3 packets of sausage bullets. Also, for each kit sold, you get $5 off the top for your team. You can also sell a Crazy Bread Kit, in which you get 3 slabs of bread rods, 3 packets of "garlic buttery sauce", and 3 packets of parmesan cheese(!). Those retail for $14. I'm sorry, it's all just kind of gross and weird. I guess there would be some novelty value to coming home with a frozen 3-pack of Crazy Bread, but I can't imagine the quality is that high. And imagine a team of 6th graders hawking these things like Cutco knives? I'm out.

BaeRating: C

My Daughter's Dinner Negotiation Last Night

First off - we had no water yesterday, thanks to an idiot who owns a duplex in our building. No one lives in this duplex, and for the second straight year he has not come by to turn the heat on, so his pipes froze and broke open, flooding his apartment. Seems like a real nice guy at the association meetings, though. Unfortunately we hold our association meetings outside, so they only happen in warm weather months.

BaeRating On The Idiot in My Building: F-

Anyway, the water situation forced me and my wife to eat leftover Musenski Casserole for dinner last night (no complaints from me), and my daughter to eat a frozen chicken nuggets meal. This is usually a pretty safe meal choice for her - in fact she probably eats some form of chicken nugget at 30% of her meals. Last night though, she went into lockdown mode, where she eats one bite of nugget and then filibusters for dessert until we grow weary and start negotiating. "Three more bites of nugget, 2 more carrots, and your milk, and we'll consider dessert. (pause) That was not an official bite." Sigh. Well last night, she was Samuel L Jackson to my Kevin Spacey, with her screaming, "You want my blood? Take my blood!", and the negotiation extending seemingly far beyond the listed running time. Sadly it ended with no dessert, but a straight to bed with only one book sentence. The bonus for her was that no water meant no teeth brushing. Dinner can be a real nightmare.

BaeRating: C-

Tiny Tot Swim Class - Level II

My daughter, Jane, has just started taking swimming lessons at Ridge Park, a park district center on the south side of Chicago. This has been extremely exciting for my wife, who views learning to swim as childhood at its zenith. I was never a big aquatics fan myself, having distinctly disturbing memories of Coach Nystrom dunking my head in the water and telling the whole class I was shaped like a jelly bean. It is really awesome to watch your kid learning things, however, so that sort of trumps any personal feelings. Anyway, last week she had her first class, and my wife reported how great it went. Not only did she not complain the whole time, she volunteered to be the second kid to jump in the water (!) and the first (!) to go down the slide! She was a little apprehensive about the "magic carpet ride", but that just seems like street smarts kicking in. Total success story all the way around, and my daughter kept telling me that I would be so proud of her that I would "cry till my eyes pop out". Pretty awesome, right?

Well I was fortunate enough to have the day off this Monday, so I was able to go with them to the class. After some initial success working with Instructor Carlos and his kickboard, one of the kids, Roisin (pronounced RO-Sheen), started to have a meltdown, causing instant anxiety for all of the kids involved. It didn't help that her mother chose to threaten her from the bleachers with an aborted trip to the museum, and her brother Peter just kept submerging his head obliviously. Thanks a lot, Peter. So when it came time to jump in the water, Jane refused. At first she claimed she had to go to the bathroom, but then when she came back, she was resolved not to do it. I tried to psych her up, but to no avail. One of the other college kid instructors, who was clearly higher up on the totem pole than Carlos, smugged to me, "No offense, but I've seen it a hundred times. The kid shuts down in front of Dad. She's nervous is all." Fucking Lifeguard Chair Psychology from this douchebag in flip-flops. So now it's water slide time. Jane's checked out at this point. I try to have a little calming chat with her on the sidelines, but she tells me she's going to get water in her nose if she slides in. (Which, in all fairness, would be my reasoning for not doing it.) She would not accept last week's accomplishments as reasoning to go for it again, nor would she take random kid Morgan's current success as a challenge. To add insult to injury, Roisin's mom puts her on the slide and pushes her down. That's not really my parenting style, so I backed off and Jane joined the other kids on the shallow end steps to chill out for the remainder of the hour.

The sad thing is I know that the douchebag was right, and she was just nervous in front of me. Jane's not a big fan of pressure. She likes performing for people as long as they don't specifically ask her to - once people start to cheer her on, it's time to go. It's like when you're a comedian and someone tells you to be funny - it's that weird artificial pressure of the moment. It's probably just as irritating for a brave kid to be told to be brave. Jane prefers it when you just assume she's going to do the right thing and don't insist on talking it to death. And more often than not, she does. There's something reassuring about seeing your own personality traits in your children, even if they're not the most flattering.

After class I bought her some cheesy popcorn from the vending machine, and we drove home to watch The Amazing Race finale. We both loved it.

BaeRating: B+

UPDATE: Video of a Carlos Assisted Jump

The Biggest Loser - Couples

The Biggest Loser, one of my favorite competitive reality shows, gets me every time. There are few better moments than loudly belting out the opening lines of the theme song, "Proud," as you give your daughter's skull a rhythmic squeeze and head to the kitchen for a bowl of cereal. The nice thing is that every time you start to feel guilty about watching a reality show (which I rarely do), you're reminded of the fact that these people have each lost upwards of 60 pounds in the first 5 weeks of the season, and it all seems worthwhile. In fact, the best part of the show is at the end of the episode when a contestant is voted out and you get to see a "Where are they now?" segment to find out how much weight they've dropped since leaving. So even if your favorite person has just been voted out, there's still an uplifting montage that lets you know that they're alright! And thin! And eating at Subway! This season focuses on couples, or pairs really, as it's a mix of relationships: newlyweds, brothers, fat camp counselors, former football teammates, ex-husband and wife, etc. As far as reality twists go, this isn't a bad one. It provides the added personal drama of shared history that they're looking for, without watering down the core concept too much. The best part has been the removal of one of the trainers on the show, Kim, an insufferable woman who tried to play the role of the hardass trainer but came off as desperate and oppressively nerdy. She also seemed to always be standing on the shoulders of male contestants while they worked out, which seemed inefficient. Anyway, now we're left with Bob and Jillian, the original trainers, both of whom I love in different ways. Bob, the sensitive yoga-prone trainer (who can be tough!), and Jillian the tough ball-buster trainer (who can be sensitive!). Even with the bloated (slight pun intended) 2-hour length of most of the episodes, you can DVR your way to a healthy dose of laughter, tears, and sworn promises of life changes every single week! It's awesome! Last chance workout!

BaeRating : A-

College Merchandise Gifts For Babies

My wife and I recently received two University of Wisconsin onesies for our daughter, Lucy, from a cousin that we rarely get the chance to see. I'm fairly certain it was a Christmas gift, although it's possible it was a Baptism gift, but either way it was a very nice gesture. I'm not sure if the gift was a subtle jab because my wife and I went to the University of Illinois and the two schools are Big Ten rivals, or if her and her husband just live or work around the university and thought the Badger (Bucky) was cute, if a little angry. I do know that they live in Wisconsin, but none of the details surrounding it. I've certainly never talked about Big Ten sports with them, or even exchanged a playful jibe about the two schools. The saving grace is that Bucky Badger, at least in this non-threatening context, is cute when he's angry, and his sailor-style ribbed red turtleneck looks really hilarious and awesome on Lucy's tiny chest. I certainly hold no ill will towards Wisconsin, even if I ever did in college. I still actively root for Illinois teams, but I don't hold the same disgust for their opponents as I do in pro sports. For example, there are moments where I wish the entire Minnesota Vikings coaching staff was hit by a bus. The college merchandise baby gift does strike me as a bit odd, though - I can understand it if there is a shared college experience with you and the parents, or if you have close ties with the school and the gift shop is tantalizingly convenient for you. The pointed rivalry gift seems like a wasted gesture, however, since the odds of the baby ever putting it on before she grows out of it are slim to none. In this case, though, the onesies are pretty great, especially the starry sky number pictured above, and I still don't really believe this was a rivalry joke. Confusion aside, a good gift.

BaeRating: A-

Keenan Smith, CLTV and WGN Weatherman

I ask little of my weathermen and women. Know your way around the green screen, give me some unexpected adjectives when describing the feel of the temperature, verbally joust with the sports guy, and keep it professional. Meaning, I don't mind if you show me a photo that Maureen Shliegel took of some sunset geese in Crystal Lake, but let's not pretend you're the auxiliary host and start riffing on the real news. That said, I am almost always pleased with the work of Keenan Smith, the backup who holds the clipboard for Tom Skilling on WGN, but seems to be out on his own a bit more on CLTV. Watched him a little last night, and he was upbeat without being grating, descriptive without being flowery, and shot it back over to the main anchor with no wasted motion. Plus, he did a kickass segment on flooding one time where it really looked like he was going to fall into this dam while he was talking to the camera. I like when my weathermen get out in the shit occasionally. Oh, and as you can see from the photo, he participated in the WGN Morning News Bally Spring Fitness 60-Day Challenge with two other employees and lost 40 pounds! (All three of them combined, but still!) All in all, a pleasant option, even if he needs a bit more seasoning.

BaeRating: B+

Inception of BaeRatings Blog

Inspired by my friend Meador's nursing blog, I felt it was time to finally put BaeRatings out there for the world. BaeRatings will chronicle everything new that I come in contact with, explain how I feel about that new thing, and then rate it in classic letter grade format. This can be everything from books, to movies, to television shows, to bus rides, to interactions with my family, to comedy bits, to food items, to anything. Everything will be rated as fairly and honestly as possible, and there will be no curve.

That being said, thank you for reading. Here we go!

Inception of BaeRatings Blog
An awkward launch date that piggybacks on Meador's much more valid and interesting blog, Bedpans and Broomsticks, will hopefully only be irritating to Meador himself. Still unfortunate, though. The sepia-toned picture should be looked back on nostalgically, so I feel it was a solid first image choice. The amount of shine on my balding head, however, is both distracting and disconcerting. The title, while completely annoying and difficult to correctly capitalize each time, holds true to my original inspiration, meaning I have yet to sacrifice anything creative for the masses. Looking ahead towards the long-term success and readability of the blog, I am cautiously optimistic.

BaeRating: B